Bad Mommy Week

This has been my worst week as a Mom, Ever.

I wanted to yell at my kid.

He's only 14 months.


What the Hell is wrong with me.




Harrison is my love, my life, but there are times when he becomes the bane of my existence.   Ok, I'm being dramatic but he's become a fussy baby as of late, pulling on my shorts, whining, or throwing a tantrum if not picked up.   He also does hardcore tantrums as well, where he cries so hard that he turns blue, and passes out.   Every time this happens I end up crying myself with my now exhausted toddler on my shoulder whimpering.

As I type this post my son runs up to me just to give me a kiss.   Ahhhh the guilt!

This week has been out of the ordinary, the husband has been gone a lot, making me a SAHM.
Making me realize I have no desire to be at home all day long all year long.  I just couldn't do it if I wanted to stay sane.

Which also makes me realize I have an amazing job.  I'm home just long enough in the summer time, school vacations, snow days, etc... to get glimpses of stay at home mommyhood, with just enough time at work to get me out of the house.

Going into my fifth year teaching art means that I'm finally starting to get a hang of my job.   Well maybe not the hang of things....... I've gotten better at getting things done more efficiently.  So that I can leave my job and be 'done' for the day at 2:50 to go pick up my wild man.


But....

Sometimes I find myself deep in the sucky trenches that motherhood can be at times and I have to realize that this too shall pass.     That I need to Take a moment, take a breath, and  take a step away to relax.

I was in shock and bewilderment the other day at the park.  I was chasing my son around with my mother, double teaming him on the equipment when I started paying attention to all the other mothers at the park with a child about the same age as mine.    The majority of them were all quite visibly pregnant.

All I could think was no F... ing way.   NO WAY!
Then, I think about my mother who was getting pregnant right now with my younger brother.
 (and also remember the part of the story where she starting crying when she found out she was pregnant).

Don't get me wrong, I want another.

I crave this, the itty bittyness of a small smushy baby. 

Just not until I drag myself out of this trench.

Balance and the Internet.

I feel as if the two don't go together.   Or perhaps motherhood and the internet 

I have become a passing blogger, and 'tweeter?'...

It comes in Phases, most often when my son allows it, where I can go on the computer for a prolonged period of time to type something up that has some kind of meaning.

 I feel as if twitter must have been created just for moms, who only have a small passing moment to post something.
   Where no one really cares if it makes sense.

Which leads to the fact that I've had a lot on my plate lately. 

A husband who is doing lots of side work ... which equals me being a stay at home mommy...

A son who has decided he wants to push me to my wits end, each and every day...

An alternative craft fair I'm taking part of in November...

My home which we've decided to continue renovating...and so it begins, living in a construction zone. AGAIN.

Me thinking it was a good idea to do 'limited internet' through Verizon  (via tablet trying to save a buck) versus unlimited, which has made me watch how much time I spend on the internet.  Ughhh... BAD decision.

Anddd.......My desire to be outside enjoying every moment of this gorgeous weather.

           I think I need to take a moment to define my form of  "Enjoying" has become since child.

                Enjoying the outdoors with a one year old 

 Not allowing my son to pick up or eat gross objects including:

         Dog poop

         Dead crickets

        Dead animal gifts from my cats

         Rocks, sand, grass, enter any various object here that can fit in a mouth.

Chasing said child around yard with magazine in hand, my new form of lounging around in the yard.

Setting up and breaking down his backyard each day with the ridiculous amounts of toys necessary to keep him occupied for maybe 10 minutes.

Lathering him, and ultimately myself with 10000 spf in waterproof lotion so we're both slippery all day.

Which leads back to chasing said child around, the lotion only makes things more 'fun'.

Emptying, washing, and refilling water table/pool, and dealing with all the lovely bugs that accumulate.

Trying to include some form of a nape so I can sit on my butt for more than two minutes.

Am I missing anything mommies?

Now, the hubby has the baby in a fluke moment this week so I'm going to continue to lay on my porch with Sex and the City reruns on tv... A Cold beverage next to me...

  All the while looking forward to a work meeting tonight to just get away and enjoy a Margarita without having to worry if my kid is throwing food at the next table.

Sleep Sleep Sleep, apparently that's all I blog about....

I know sleep comes and goes throughout motherhood.

But DEAR GOD, when will I get it again!!!!!

Clearly I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown due to my sons lack of consistent sleep.  Is it crazy of me to think that perhaps my 13 month old son might start sleeping through the night??  Is that a totally off the wall thought.

I feel terrible, I feel horrible, but most of all.....I feel jealous of all those other moms out there who have a great sleeper.

Just last night, he fell asleep at 6:45 for the night,...... in parts because he didn't have a good afternoon nap, it was a car nap that lasted 20 minutes if that.

(Which in looking back, my lack of consistency with nap time may be a big big factor in all these sleep issues)

He then woke at least three times before 10 with stirring.

Fast forward to Hubby and I being asleep in bed.

We brought Harrison in bed with us because it was soooo hot out.  AC is in our room only so he slept between us.

He woke another two times from 11 to 3 in the morning.  I, being too lazy, decided it was just 'easier' to put a water filled bottle in his mouth.  He falls right back asleep with that.

I'm just prolonging bottles, and making it harder for myself later.  I know.   But, I want sleep now.

So.... the Hubby gets up for work and sure enough the baby gets up too.  At 5:30 am.

What. Is. Going. On.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh......

So my baby boy that was on the verge of sleeping through the night only two or so months ago has now regressed to newborn stage.



I

Need

Coffee.

Losing my Patience..

Big mom fail.

H after the three hour long nap he took...

I've been losing my patience lately with my son.

Like walk away lose my patience because he's absolutely driving me up a wall.

This makes me feel like crap.   I'm home all summer long with him, I'm so lucky to have an opportunity and a career like this that allows me to spend so much time with him.

Hmmm... maybe that was a sign

Even at this very moment he's pulling on my arm and crying even though he's fed, changed, and has a gazillion toys to play with.

He's finally become a wicked Mommas boy.  Like to the point of drive Momma batty he's so clingy.

That maybe he wasn't feeling good?

I get what I ask for, I cuddle him to sleep, I go the second he cries at night (much to the displeasure of my husband, and against my pediatrician).  I enabled this little boy to become so attached so why am I losing it when he wants to hang on me?

This week has been a tough one, parenting wise.  Harrison has decided lately that he was going to change any and all routines that we may have had.  He's waking up at  5:15 for the day, then takes a nap at 6:45-7:00 and I am beyond getting back to sleep.  I guess I'm just exhausted, I'm trying to run errands day after day, which is so hard with a one year old that doesn't listen, and is in a screaming phase.  For example, going to the DMV resulted in me having to hold my kid by his armpits while they took my license picture, so he wouldn't run way.

Times like these give me a  new found respect for single parents.  How do they do it?  I can't even imagine the way they feel.

  So I suppose parts of me are frustrated based on lack of sleep, and the fact that my one year old son thinks it's still necessary to do multiple wake ups during the night.

Sighh...

Then I finally realized on Monday, (that things are not all about meeeee, me, me... you think I'd know this by now)  after a day of hell that maybe there was cause for this behavior, like maybe my son might be in some pain?

Duh.....

Mega mom fail.




He has twelve thousand sharp little razors trying to break through his gums, and I'm over here losing it because I think he's just being grumpy.

And all is well after a little bit of Oragel.

And a closing thought.   If I want to keep all my fingertips in tact, I need to go back to the Oragel sticks.